Think

It is difficult to think of things to say, When you feel so lost and empty.
My house  is not ringing with laughter, my floors are not strewn with pillows, covers, and most of all Grandchildren. We miss them horribly.
I knew the pain would hit, as I am a family person, I grew up with a big family and having only two of us here is kind of sad. I had 4 brothers and  3 sisters,
David had 9, I think.
So today as I started off for work, my heart dropped a few inches, He said,
"I dread today, it is going to be hard"
He was going to be alone for a few hours. (8 hour shift) and he dreaded the impact it would have on his heart.

I think of a poem my Mama wrote or copied from a book,

"This  house is a very lonely place,

No little feet to run and play.

The halls are so empty dark and quiet,

where once they rang with laughter and delight."

Now isn't that beautiful? I loved it and I never knew her anguish until I faced it myself.

No I am not one of those Mamas that want to hang on, I do care deeply for my family, and my babies and their babies, but I know they must build their lives with no thought of us.
God does that for us, it is preparation for the empty rooms to come later, they phone calls to no longer come, the "Mom I just wanted to talk"
I love the calls Just to talk. They mean more than anything. I think calling my Mama every weekend was good for me , but maybe trying for her. I always found time to say, "Mama I love you."

We  have marvelous photos that need to be printed up, and that will come, ( Soon I hope)
I first need to get this house in order. Really it is still not totally cleaned.
Two  bedrooms are ready to go, mine is still a mess, David did the kitchen today, (as well as Men do kitchens)  It is clean and that is what matters.

Work today was nice, it was great to get back in the groove. I missed my friends and seeing their smiling faces was a lift for my down spirit.
One of my supervisors came by, "Sue, Why is your cart so clean, That is unheard of with that barbecue you are doing.?" I responded with "I just touched raw chicken so everything is now sterile'
Her response was "Welcome back"
Yes I am a nut about my cart being spotless and germ free. It is just following rules.
I clean  constantly. Plus I talk my product and wipe up all spills.

I did see Kay today, ( A great friend) but we did not get to talk, That is not allowed when we are working. So much I want to say to her. Kay is Kay, You see what you get and you take or leave it, I prefer to take it, She is an amazing person with a heart of gold.

So morning will come early and I MUST mow the yards, Not a big deal, I can do it with the lawn tractor. David filled the pool with more water today. Filled as in running over and down the cook decking.
However when I got home, I jumped in, It was still warm water. I bet before the filling it was 90 plus degrees in there.
Tomorrow is our firework day. Clean pool, Mow yards, finish laundry, mop floors, put said laundry away and up.
I pray you all know just what you did for us, It was the best time ever. The anniversary party could not be more perfect, I  was one happy Mama.
My friends at work want photos so get them to us, Sheri, just bundle them in a folder and I will pull what I want to print.
I told them about Gavin, "By the way, if you tell him he is handsome, he lets you know, "I am gorgeous" (And he is  shhhhhhh).

So with this I say Goodnight to all my Angels.
Each person that passes through your life is an angel, they all give you something to hold on to or toss. You get to decide.
Some things I was able  to throw aside this time and I am so  proud of me, for the God that gives me the strength to have compassion but not be afraid to stand up for what I believe in.
I do not get pressured into things I am in control of, I let it go, I took the reigns. I  am FREE to  do Gods will in my life for the first time in a LONG time.
That created the perfect anniversary party. My children  in control, Us, all our friends, just enjoying the freedom to just relax.


A simple thank you will never be enough.