Friday, August 01, 2014

Hope

A spark can start a fire
A shot can start a war
A breeze can start a wave
That crashes on the shore
Hope...hope can change everything
Hope is gone or so far down it is unseeable, un redeemable, unknown, I have to dig up to climb up to hope.

Monday, July 07, 2014

I need to post  a new photo. I have great ones from the reunion.
I am just too lazy to sit down and "Get Er Done"

Today was quiet, we swam, we went in to get my anti anxiety pills and Now LIFE is good.

Oh Yes I finally remembered Eggs, I have been out for two weeks.
I wanted to bake cupcakes, NO EGGS.
I made cornbread last week, NO EGGS, ( I used Mayo)
It seemed to work out pretty good. David said nothing about it.


Tomorrow we have biscuits, eggs and bacon, Maybe.
After that I will be in the bathroom for an hour or so.
(you really wanted to know that)
Then we go to Red Bluff to get paid, and pick up papers for David to work on.

Not a lot longer though.
That is one job that really puts him in pain.
Sounds easy but he has to lift his right hand to the keys, (with his left hand) then move it around with his left hand.
It  is time consuming, it is painful and it is not worth it.
Or is it? It does keep his mind active.
He has been an accountant for over 42 years and he is tired of thinking.
I think it is going to be a painful job to give up. (for him, not me)

Believe it or not, He LIKES THE MONEY!!!!!! Just ask him.
Me???????????? I am kind of addicted to it.
It is a way of life I have come to enjoy for a LONG time.
Not that we had a lot but we had enough.
God has been really good to us.

And No we are not thrifty. We give to anyone who wants or needs it. (We do not save for a rainy day, For most people Every day is rainy)
It  is a Way of life for us, Not one thing has changed in 51 years.
When we had no money, (when we first married) .
We were often called to make food for funerals, ill people, take care of the gentleman next door, (He was horribly bent) . David took care of Brother Bryant's needs.
(Did we ever tell  our children of that time in our lives? Probably not, it was so long ago)
We did it with a glad heart but never quite knew how we did it with  less income than you can imagine.

So now it is time to close and rest, I am exhausted from a day of prayer and a full night too.
Prayer and sleeplessness, and horrible dreams.

OH we are back to our chronological reading. It felt good.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

My Brother

Harold Brown


I can not begin to tell you what he has meant to me, I am 20 months younger so he HAS ALWAYS been a part of my life until Monday June 9, 2014.

Let me begin by telling you a little about his character.
A character he was. Funny, Never, Never thought he was better than anyone, Always a giver, He was  generous with his time and anything he had.
Loved to hunt but Loved being a dad and grandpa more than any thing in the world.

When we are kids you never know how much that part of you is out there. That is "Just my Brother"

At the age of 12, I really took notice of Harold.
We were on the school bus, I was about 10.
The bus had dropped off a family of children, I think about 5 got off the bus. As they left the bus, I heard screaming, Their Dad was passed out by the wood cutting block,
The entire bus load of children  were looking and laughing. (I say not the entire as the Brown kids had seen their daddy pass out many  times,)
Rude comments proceeded out of lots of mouths, "Oh look at the old drunk, " He is so funny lying like that," Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. The laughs could be heard by the kids that were let off the bus.

Suddenly I hear a young mans voice, over the din of laughter and mockery.

Harold Brown was standing in the middle of the aisle.

"Shut Up, Shut Up, That man is sick, Do NOT laugh or make fun of him, He does not even drink"

Oh my gosh, that bus quieted down, all you could see was Harold. You could have heard a pin drop on that bus, That day in 1957.
I was one proud sister that day.
To this day, I can still see the scrawny blond boy telling all ages to Shut UP.!!!

 Harold had a very Weak stomach. Mama often laughed at the men in our family being such Wimps. LOL as I say that lovingly.
We always raised our own pigs, They were fed food scraps in addition to their pig food.
Do not ask me what, as I never fed them. Why would I? I had 4 brothers to do that work,.

Harold  and Roy were supposed to feed the pig daily. As soon as Harold reached for the bucket he would begin gagging and heaving. He made it a few times, but came back vomiting.
Mama usually told Roy, "You go feed the pigs, I do not want to clean up after Harold too"
 Or as she said, (Slop the Hog).
He was always my big brother and NO ONE BETTER MESS with his little sister.
Yes I knew he would stand up for me.

When he was born, He cried all the time, He wanted to eat constantly. She often ran out of milk herself and had to resort to bottles.  He was NOT gaining weight.
One day as she was changing his diaper, Something emerged. It was a few inches long and trying to get back into the baby's rectum. Mama said, "The only thing I knew to do was pull, So I grabbed it and pulled, Praying it was not part of him"
It was a tape worm. Mama placed it in a jar for the Doctor to see when he made his "Horse and Buggy rounds"
The doctor never made it before the worm dried up.
Harold then began eating normal and gaining weight  but his first few weeks were almost all he had. Vital brain nutrition was lost to this horrible thing in this baby. The worm was attached inutero.

Harold  was always a great guy and that was all I knew.
He had his wild years, He grew into a wild teen but always had respect for others.

While  I was home in May, I sat on the arm of his chair and talked for about 30 minutes. We were literally face to face many times, as I put my forehead to his.
I looked down and saw the most beautiful Blue eyes, I did not know his eyes were that blue.
He was my brother, How many times, as a kid, do you notice the little things?
He and I cried and talked for a long while.
Harold told me, "Sue I have lots and lots of tears,"
I told him "Then let them go, Cry if you want to, I cry for you."
His blue eyes brimmed with more tears and we wept together.
He was horribly sick that day, but nothing was keeping him from being with his family. It hurt him to get out but he said, "I am gonna be here with my family"

I called him from Oklahoma,
He was hospitalized a day or so after I left. The 10th of May.  I was ready to return to Arkansas to be with him.
His response, "Sue, you get home to Kenny and those kids, they need you, I am going to be fine"
We talked a while but I could tell he was getting weaker.
I had my precious time with him and family. I am so proud I took my time with my family.
Nothing is more precious. I knew I would not see him again, until we all get to Heaven.

As I talked to him, (While he was in a coma), I sang "Amazing Grace" to him. I told him how much I love him, I know he heard me,.
May said, "A tear is rolling out of his eyes"
Oh How  my heart broke . I called him many times, after the coma, I always took my chance to say, One more time, "I love you brother, Please wait for me, Just  inside the Gates of Heaven"
The last time I called was on Saturday night, I told him, "Harold I am calling to say Goodbye, I will miss you. Tell my Mama and Daddy and family, I will see them soon."

I hung up for the last time and cried my heart out.
He was not in Gods hands. "Sheltered in the arms of God"









Thursday, May 29, 2014

Think About

Living, Lets think about life.

A line to a song.

My hair is cut, my time is down for tomorrow, the pool is filling, and needs vacuuming and David better not go out alone.
Oh and news Alert, , I ordered a Senior alert button for him.
He will now be monitored.
You can all give me a pat on the back if you want to.
It should be here in a few days.
Heck I may even need it.
Right now he is on to read another of his Odd Thomas books.
Me? I am counting down to bedtime.
I called to check on Harold and I heard him say or yell or something, "Oh Lord!!!"
I agree with him. He  is so tired of that bed. I would be too. It has been since May the 15 or 16, that he went in.

Last night Roy was in the room with him. He grabbed Roy and pulled him over to the bed.
The conversation  went like this,

Harold, "Roy get on over here"
As he held on to his arm.
Roy, "I am here"
Harold, "No you  are not, you are stiff, Loosen up, get in this bed and see what it feels like."
Roy laughed and told him "No"

As Roy went to the Restroom, Harold began calling him. Roy was seated and busy.
Suddenly he hears him say, "Oh Shit"
Roy goes back into the room and Harold is reaching for the water cup and straw.
He has pretty well maneuvered it when Roy ask, "Do you want a drink?"
Harold, "No! Not any more"


So you see he is pretty much the booger he always was and we never know why God gives us time but he is awake and I am so happy all I can do is say,
 "Thank you God, Now let your will be done in our lives and work this to your Glory."


Sunday, May 25, 2014

Finally a Holiday

I am not sure where the month has gone but it is almost gone.
I try to call my brother, Harold, every day. Just to let him know I  love him so much,
Yes I said it when he was respondent and I always will have a piece of him in my heart.
Harold is special.
When I called this morning, May told me, "Sue he heard you, he had a tear roll out of his eye"
Yep I cried more.
I know  it comes to all of us but today I have been a mess. Crying at anything.
And I did work. Between tears and red eyes.

As I arrived at the break  room door, a friend stopped me and asked about things.
I broke down.
Suddenly I was surrounded by a huge group hug.
I think it was my first ever by so many people.
I am usually the strong one for others but this last few days have taken their toll on my Heart.

I cried and prayed all the way into work today. I just could not  stop. I almost turned around and stayed home with David as he needs me more every day.
Him I  do adore and I  suffer when he suffers. He is totally incapacitated with his right hand. He needs help removing his wallet and meds and keys.
As we were being scanned at the airport, they asked him to raise both hands over his head.
That was not going to happen. I wanted to  yell, "Are you  people stupid, Cant you see he is trying?"
I stepped into the X-ray monitor and took his pocket items out.  Pills and  wallet .
that is all he had.
He was so frustrated by all the delays, But we made it and I served him coffee and a roll at Starbucks.

I have a DIL I love so much but I want to NOT love her.
I  can not let her go easily but I will as time moves on.
I do not want her to ever forget how she  touched my heart and life.
Kris if you are reading this, My Love will not change. I  tried but you are like a daughter to me, You and Shelle.  Life without either of you is not fathomable.
I am still unsure of what to think or feel. At times I am so jumbled up in my thoughts, I lose control of my tears.
If I hurt this bad, How much more is Ken and the children hurting?
So I put my thoughts to him and the babies.


I am looking forward to taking them camping this summer, Of course to Lassen. We will rent a cabin and spend a night or two. Not sure I could handle more than that with no necessities. Necessities like electricity, running water and a restroom right down the hall.
No, at Lassen you have to go  to the nearest public room and it is a trek through the woods with a flashlight and a good sense of balance.

With that good thought I will close and go to bed. It is time to put this old Grandmother down for the night.


Tuesday, May 20, 2014

HOME

I said, "when I get home I am going to kneel down and kiss the ground"
I did not do that, You see the pavement was too hot. LOL
How is that for too hot, too cool, too windy, too loud, too quiet, too too, too..
I think I am at an end of pleasing myself. Nothing works.

I  did go  back  to work today and will work for 4 more in a row. I do not mind. I needed the pace to pick up.
As I drove into our drive,
David was out on the irrigation ditch, weeding the ditch. DANG!!!!
I asked him not to do that. He could fall and that would be devastating.

He made it fine but I see exhaustion in his sweet face.

I still keep Ken and his family in my thoughts 24 hours a day. Yes they are in my dreams too. My every thought is for their well being.
I just can not understand how a Mom who loved or seemed to love so much, Walks away.
I just can not understand and I may never understand. I will just live with it.
I pray for my sweet grand's that do not know what is going on. If it gets to me, How much more does it get to them?
Yes I am speaking out, I think too many times we do not speak our hearts and how they ache for our loved ones.

However my brother is trying to check out on us. ON Monday I spent the day trying to decide if I should  go  back to Arkansas or not.
 I spent about 30 precious minutes with him on family day and nothing can take that time away. We laughed, we prayed, we cried.
Harold is a brother every girl should have. He has a heart as big as Texas. Really he is just unique.
He would  get angry if someone bullied someone else. He stood on our school bus and yelled at kids for laughing at a person he knew. The person he knew had an illness and often passed out.
Kids laughed, Harold stood and shut them up really  quick.
Yeah seems like a lifetime ago.
Harold was one to stand for all things good, he fought for the underdog.
He never looked down on ANYONE,

I will miss him when he goes but as far as I know, He can outlast all of us. I hope he does outlast me.
My heart broke when I tried to talk to him and as they took the phone  away he was saying,
"Sue I cant hear you, Sue I  cant hear you" This was repeated several times and my heart broke.
At times his eyesight failed and I heard it was due to his blood pressure.

So tonight I ask each of you to  pray for Harold and May and Michael.
That is a family and always has been a family that sticks together.
If I do not see him again on earth I WILL see him in Heaven.
He told Roy, "I am afraid, I  don't ever want to leave you, I want us together forever."
Roy assured him they would be together forever, When we all make Heaven our eternal home.

So now I close and get some much needed rest, Rest right after I find that Dang cricket that is in this rec room.




Monday, April 21, 2014

Don't

SAY THAT, DON'T DO THAT, DON'T REPEAT THAT, DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH OR USE YOUR FINGERS TO TYPE.


Yep my life in a nutshell.

Now look at that word, DON'T. That is as negative as you can get.,

OK then I shall post something positive.

HUMMMMM 
HUMMMMMM
HUMMMMM
Cant think of a thing. LOL

OH I think, Think I have my jeans for the reunion. Yep I am wearing jeans.
Or Not, I also have white capris, Who knows? Only the night of May 3rd.  will tell.

David is not ready yet. I have to shorten all his active wear. He has to wear that as he can't button his pants any longer. (His right hand does not work, and No he has not gained the weight, it is just that stubborn right hand)
Now he needs pull on active wear.
I have three days to get it all done, packed and on the plane. Da  Plane, Da Plane, I see Da Plane.
Or Not.
I  see a lot of work to accomplish in a short time.