Sunday, November 30, 2014

My Mom

Why do I have such a tough time when I recall all my Mom's trials.
Yes she had trials but she never failed to kiss my Dad good morning. (He was a kisser)
He called her Baby or Darling. (I have that on record as told to me and Sheri in 1986.)
He sat down in his recliner and she brought him a cup of coffee.
In his last days he spent most of his time in Pajamas.
She was waiting on him and scared, knowing his time was probably short.
I can still see his face as she handed him his coffee. His smile and Thank You.

They had communication and it was usually funny, (sometimes they fussed)  but my favorite is seeing their two chairs, side by side with a lamp table between. That table held a lamp, two cups of coffee and their hands as they reached across to hold hands.

Yes my Mama took care of my dad for a while. (In her words, Not long enough)
If he began passing out she was right on the floor beside him, getting his nitro and cradling his head.

He died two weeks after I turned 11.

God I missed him so much, BUT I had a Mama that was always there.
She was at our bedside when we became ill, She was up in the middle of the night praying when she knew things were out of order.
She sat up until we came home from Dates.
She taught us to be self sufficient, (girls).
She taught us to ALWAYS freshen up before our husbands came home from work.
She told me, (Comb your hair and put on a fresh dress)
Mama was always well kept.
She ALWAYS prayed for God to let her live to raise her children.
He did just that.
She ALWAYS  prayed she would not die alone.
(Not one more person could have crowded in her room, as she took her last breath)
God answered that prayer.

So today I am missing her but I have her teaching in my heart,
I have her example of holding hands, kissing occasionally, slow dancing in the kitchen, (Not Mama but Daddy would have loved to) He loved music and dance.
He loved to  laugh Loud and Long, (just like my Charles)
He loved practical jokes. (I do that occasionally)
I see her up early making  the coffee and a big pan of Hot Fresh Biscuits.

Yes Mama was my guide and I will never forget her guidance.
Love is what you make it, or what makes you.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

A Dollar of Christmas

The year 1957, My Mama had more money to go around. That year she gave each of us kids 50 cents or a dollar. I  cant quite remember. I do however recall the store we shopped.
 Herndon's 5 and 10 cent store. (or called The Five and Dime)
We go in with our loot and spend lots of time looking for just the right gift. One of us got her a cedar box with Sheridan Arkansas printed on it. Another got her a bottle of "Evening in Paradise" cologne.
That fragrance came back to me in 2002.
That was a trip of a lifetime for me. It was almost the end of my life, but that is another story.
We were in the Bobby Vinton Theater and gift shop.
Lots of Red Rose buds were being bought to hand to him as he sang, "Roses are Red"
Of course I bought one and took it to him and got a kiss. No I did not swoon but my heart was racing. LOL
Then I sampled his fragrance. "Blue Velvet"
Oh MY that was an exact copy of "Evening in Paradise."
I kept saying "I know this fragrance, I know it from many years ago,"
The clerk looked at me and asked what was it. Finally it hit my brain,
"That is a fragrance from 1957, called in Evening in Paradise" OH My goodness how the memories flooded my mind.

So tonight we watched "A Dollar For Christmas"
The Dad only had a $ dollar saved for the holidays and it was put on a mantle so each of 5 children could take what was needed to buy a gift for the name of the family member they drew.
Yeah!!!! I cried most of the way through it.
David came in from his shower just as one of the older boys wrapped up a used baseball glove for his younger brother. He had used linseed oil and made it like new again.
Suddenly I hear sobbing coming from his chair.
All I could decipher from his sobs were,
"Coy always did that, He wrapped up old things for everyone in the house for Christmas. Usually an old pocket knife or something he could or would give up"
More tears fell as we discussed our Christmas Past.

Monday, November 24, 2014


Thankful? For What?
So many, things. NO ONE can name them all.
Right now I am wishing I could get the wonderful Sea Salt Caramel off my fingers. YUM!!!
Uh OH now it is on David's Paperwork. Whoops.

We were considering loading up the Motor home and Driving to YC and parking for a few days.

But instead we began lots of needed work,
Today began with yard work. LOTs of work, I was (Was) just going to mow outside the fence and beside the HUGE Walnut tree, but I just kept going and going and going., You know, Like the energizer Bunny.
 I cut out a huge mulberry stump, I trimmed up the Privet hedge. I mowed the front yard, I even blew millions of leaves out of the rock border, (with my mower).
David in the meantime was trying to burn our pile of debris.

And This is Thanksgiving Week!!!

When you live on 6 acres,  You  need lots of trimming and burning and cleaning up.
Our lawn boy has not called or shown up in a while but that is OK, We are doing fine. May not move a muscle tomorrow but at least some of our work is done.
And this is Thanksgiving Week!!

So what do you do what at 2:30 in the morning you wake with a song from childhood stirring your brain?
I tried to shake it off, I  tried to turn it down but Little Jeanette's voice was still singing,
 "How Far is Heaven,
When can I go,
To see my Daddy,
 He's there I know,
How far is Heaven
lets go tonight,
I want my Daddy to Hold me tight."

When we first sang that I was about 11 and she was about 6. We let her take the lead on the chorus as it was so fitting to our life. I always wept as I saw the tears in her eyes as she sang.
Yes I grew up singing in church.
We, The Brown girls sang at nearly every service.
Our Mama was so proud. We only wished Daddy could have heard us, and Maybe he did.
That song has followed me all day. As I mowed, As I used the chain saw, As I threw debris on the fire.
(Debris which kicked back on me and now I have a bloody lip)
However If David is out working I am RIGHT beside him.

So This is Thanksgiving week
 All this is what I am so  thankful  for, Without this the rest would not be here.
That  is what I am most thankful for. I still have my Love in my life. We are each others best friend and after 51 years it is so important to daily functioning.
I think of him, He thinks of me. I worry about him, He checks on me.
Every fiber of our being is here for each other

So How far is Heaven,? 
 Its only a Prayer Away, A heartbeat away. A breath away.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

LONG time

It  has been so long since I posted, I am  not sure what to discuss.
OK we bought a 30 foot Fleetwood 50th anniversary edition Motor Home.
We took a beautiful trip to the REDWOODS and two more trips to Lassen.
Yep we Love the open road and I am taller then anyone else when I am behind that wheel.
I feel in control. LOL  LOL
My treatment for the year is over with no big hitches. So if that is true Why is he seeing me every 6 months?
Why blood work every 6 months?
Why did I get a horrible infection in my  mouth from it, I had a yeast infection or thrush as the old people used to call it. My tongue felt bigger than my mouth,

David is good. He loves taking long walks. LONG walks.
So today after having a bunch of skin cancers burned off his face and neck, we went to the Sundial bridge, We took that long walk but forgot to carry water. UH OH I am a dried up old woman with no water to drink. I may add, the walk is beside the Sacramento River, and I thought.
"Water, Water, Everywhere and not a drop to drink"
The gardens always inspire me, but selling this house leaves much to be done.
Who cares if I have a great earthy garden. Who cares if it is a yellow garden, Native garden,  Red garden or whatever. As long as I plug it into the ground it grows.

Now I sit here wondering how my children are doing? See, my sons never call, Ken called every week before his own life fell to pieces and he is still putting pieces together.
He knows "There is going to be a glorious unfolding"
My daughter is weekly faithful to call. She knows we need a little communication.
I guess I am just nosy but I must know all is well or I feel all is NOT well.

With us, we never know  what the day will bring but I know I must get out there and begin mowing the yards. Rains have set in and now we need to burn our huge pile of limbs.
Rambling?  Yeah, lot of that. Not really much to report here but exhaustion and unsure of our future.

Now I must think of something to cook. I detest cooking, could be why I am down to 120 lbs. I just don't like food that much. Maybe I need someone else to cook for me.
Now I know what my Mama meant when she said that. And my Mama was a great cook.
Which brings me to the point of "I sure miss my family"

Friday, August 01, 2014


A spark can start a fire
A shot can start a war
A breeze can start a wave
That crashes on the shore
Hope...hope can change everything

Hope is gone or so far down it is unseeable, un redeemable, unknown,
 I have to dig up to climb up to hope.
My Hope for tomorrow is gone, My enthusiasm is diminishing by day.
Why? Why?
Because we are not sure where we are wanted or needed. Maybe it should just be what we want and nothing else.
Right??? Wrong.
I have never or will never put me first.
So off I go to work every day I can and have a little change for someone else.

OH last day I worked I promoted liquor. Yeah ME, That was my job. So I read all I could on Captain Morgan, Ketel One Vodka, Baileys Irish cream, Johnnie walker Red and Black Label., lets not leave our Crown Royal. Sold 12 of those to one customer. Tanqueray Gin, again, sold a LOT. sold in lots of 6, not sure why they buy so much.
Cirno vodka flavored with Peaches.
 We had imports from all over the world. When asked did I drink I say "NO" but I do cook and bake with liquor, I pointed  out uses for Rum, Baileys and I make my own Vanilla Flavorings with Vodka. All true and I nave never touched hard liquor.
However I put on my black sheath dress, my black tights, black boots and gold eye liner and I looked like a bar maid.
When asked why I was doing that demo, I replied I drew the short stick. Not a big deal, I did not give out samples but got that question anyway, at least 500 times.
I gave the same answer each time.  "You Wish", then I smiled sweetly and the customer goes, "I guess that means NO>"
Customers are funny.

Monday, July 07, 2014

I need to post  a new photo. I have great ones from the reunion.
I am just too lazy to sit down and "Get Er Done"

Today was quiet, we swam, we went in to get my anti anxiety pills and Now LIFE is good.

Oh Yes I finally remembered Eggs, I have been out for two weeks.
I wanted to bake cupcakes, NO EGGS.
I made cornbread last week, NO EGGS, ( I used Mayo)
It seemed to work out pretty good. David said nothing about it.

Tomorrow we have biscuits, eggs and bacon, Maybe.
After that I will be in the bathroom for an hour or so.
(you really wanted to know that)
Then we go to Red Bluff to get paid, and pick up papers for David to work on.

Not a lot longer though.
That is one job that really puts him in pain.
Sounds easy but he has to lift his right hand to the keys, (with his left hand) then move it around with his left hand.
It  is time consuming, it is painful and it is not worth it.
Or is it? It does keep his mind active.
He has been an accountant for over 42 years and he is tired of thinking.
I think it is going to be a painful job to give up. (for him, not me)

Believe it or not, He LIKES THE MONEY!!!!!! Just ask him.
Me???????????? I am kind of addicted to it.
It is a way of life I have come to enjoy for a LONG time.
Not that we had a lot but we had enough.
God has been really good to us.

And No we are not thrifty. We give to anyone who wants or needs it. (We do not save for a rainy day, For most people Every day is rainy)
It  is a Way of life for us, Not one thing has changed in 51 years.
When we had no money, (when we first married) .
We were often called to make food for funerals, ill people, take care of the gentleman next door, (He was horribly bent) . David took care of Brother Bryant's needs.
(Did we ever tell  our children of that time in our lives? Probably not, it was so long ago)
We did it with a glad heart but never quite knew how we did it with  less income than you can imagine.

So now it is time to close and rest, I am exhausted from a day of prayer and a full night too.
Prayer and sleeplessness, and horrible dreams.

OH we are back to our chronological reading. It felt good.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

My Brother

Harold Brown

I can not begin to tell you what he has meant to me, I am 20 months younger so he HAS ALWAYS been a part of my life until Monday June 9, 2014.

Let me begin by telling you a little about his character.
A character he was. Funny, Never, Never thought he was better than anyone, Always a giver, He was  generous with his time and anything he had.
Loved to hunt but Loved being a dad and grandpa more than any thing in the world.

When we are kids you never know how much that part of you is out there. That is "Just my Brother"

At the age of 12, I really took notice of Harold.
We were on the school bus, I was about 10.
The bus had dropped off a family of children, I think about 5 got off the bus. As they left the bus, I heard screaming, Their Dad was passed out by the wood cutting block,
The entire bus load of children  were looking and laughing. (I say not the entire as the Brown kids had seen their daddy pass out many  times,)
Rude comments proceeded out of lots of mouths, "Oh look at the old drunk, " He is so funny lying like that," Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. The laughs could be heard by the kids that were let off the bus.

Suddenly I hear a young mans voice, over the din of laughter and mockery.

Harold Brown was standing in the middle of the aisle.

"Shut Up, Shut Up, That man is sick, Do NOT laugh or make fun of him, He does not even drink"

Oh my gosh, that bus quieted down, all you could see was Harold. You could have heard a pin drop on that bus, That day in 1957.
I was one proud sister that day.
To this day, I can still see the scrawny blond boy telling all ages to Shut UP.!!!

 Harold had a very Weak stomach. Mama often laughed at the men in our family being such Wimps. LOL as I say that lovingly.
We always raised our own pigs, They were fed food scraps in addition to their pig food.
Do not ask me what, as I never fed them. Why would I? I had 4 brothers to do that work,.

Harold  and Roy were supposed to feed the pig daily. As soon as Harold reached for the bucket he would begin gagging and heaving. He made it a few times, but came back vomiting.
Mama usually told Roy, "You go feed the pigs, I do not want to clean up after Harold too"
 Or as she said, (Slop the Hog).
He was always my big brother and NO ONE BETTER MESS with his little sister.
Yes I knew he would stand up for me.

When he was born, He cried all the time, He wanted to eat constantly. She often ran out of milk herself and had to resort to bottles.  He was NOT gaining weight.
One day as she was changing his diaper, Something emerged. It was a few inches long and trying to get back into the baby's rectum. Mama said, "The only thing I knew to do was pull, So I grabbed it and pulled, Praying it was not part of him"
It was a tape worm. Mama placed it in a jar for the Doctor to see when he made his "Horse and Buggy rounds"
The doctor never made it before the worm dried up.
Harold then began eating normal and gaining weight  but his first few weeks were almost all he had. Vital brain nutrition was lost to this horrible thing in this baby. The worm was attached inutero.

Harold  was always a great guy and that was all I knew.
He had his wild years, He grew into a wild teen but always had respect for others.

While  I was home in May, I sat on the arm of his chair and talked for about 30 minutes. We were literally face to face many times, as I put my forehead to his.
I looked down and saw the most beautiful Blue eyes, I did not know his eyes were that blue.
He was my brother, How many times, as a kid, do you notice the little things?
He and I cried and talked for a long while.
Harold told me, "Sue I have lots and lots of tears,"
I told him "Then let them go, Cry if you want to, I cry for you."
His blue eyes brimmed with more tears and we wept together.
He was horribly sick that day, but nothing was keeping him from being with his family. It hurt him to get out but he said, "I am gonna be here with my family"

I called him from Oklahoma,
He was hospitalized a day or so after I left. The 10th of May.  I was ready to return to Arkansas to be with him.
His response, "Sue, you get home to Kenny and those kids, they need you, I am going to be fine"
We talked a while but I could tell he was getting weaker.
I had my precious time with him and family. I am so proud I took my time with my family.
Nothing is more precious. I knew I would not see him again, until we all get to Heaven.

As I talked to him, (While he was in a coma), I sang "Amazing Grace" to him. I told him how much I love him, I know he heard me,.
May said, "A tear is rolling out of his eyes"
Oh How  my heart broke . I called him many times, after the coma, I always took my chance to say, One more time, "I love you brother, Please wait for me, Just  inside the Gates of Heaven"
The last time I called was on Saturday night, I told him, "Harold I am calling to say Goodbye, I will miss you. Tell my Mama and Daddy and family, I will see them soon."

I hung up for the last time and cried my heart out.
He was not in Gods hands. "Sheltered in the arms of God"